Your child’s birth was the moment you got bit. Then, as you lose more and more sleep you transition through to a full Zombie state, soon the process will be complete. Eight hour slumbers are just fantasy, takeaway containers litter the kitchen bench and pyjama pants are worn till 2pm. The biggest problem for newly enlightened zombies is that soon they must return to the land of the living. That means work, commuting, shopping and talking to regular people. So how will you survive while you roam the earth sleep-deprived and open mouth moaning grrrrraaaaa.
Coffee is brains – consume it
But I don’t drink coffee, you say. Wake up man! This isn’t brunch on Ponsonby Road this is a hard-out survival situation, if you want to get through it then invite the black gold into your heart. Like Zombies, coffee drinkers work in packs hunting their daily caffeine fix. Join them for a takeaway and when you crash down from that, hit up the instant – don’t be a baby about it. You don’t need a fine-tuned coffee expert’s palette, you just need a hit, start off buying a mocha if you have to, that will gently feed you into the harder stuff.
You know why most Zombies die? Not from blunt force trauma to the head, but because they lose faith. They stop believing they’ll find uninfected people to eat. You gotta stay positive brother and realise this condition you’re experiencing isn’t permanent. Every morning when you drag your ass up say “I love being a Dad and this is just a stage – it’s not forever”.
Celebrate small victories
Even Zombies take a win every now and then. The trick is to recognise it and celebrate it. It may be the little things at first. You managed to leave the house as a family – win. You’re baby slept for 6 hours straight –win. You’re mother in law visited without an argument kicking off – win. Celebrate with a coffee and a trip to the supermarket.
Develop auto-pilot dad skills
Nappy-changes, bottle prep, night-time cuddles these tasks can all be performed by zombie dads cruising on auto-pilot. For tasks like baths and strapping into the car-seat, you need to drop altitude and return to the land of the living cause it’s a safety issue.
Locate other Zombie Dads
They’re out there and they’re not hard to find. You’ll see them pushing mint condition strollers, with the bassinet attached, at local parks and walkways. You’ll recognise the thousand-yard stare and smell the feint aroma of newborn milk spew. Don’t be shy, you zombies got common ground. Roll up on him, ask how old his kid is and before long you’ll be trading war stories like comrades. Good therapy, and you might walk home with a realisation that your situation ain’t all that bad.
Keep your Zombie lady happy
Absolutely crucial for Zombie dad survival. It can be an especially stressful time for your lady and she may be feeling a lot of pressures. Do whatever it takes to try and keep her happy. If she wants to watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ re-runs while the Warriors play the NRL Grand Final at the same time, then you watching Kim and Kourtney argue with each other on speaker phone from separate SUVs. Suck it up.
Escape the Zombie state
You won’t be a Zombie forever, in fact you may be surrounded by ex-Zombies right now. The ultimate antidote for your Zombie state? Sleep. You will get it back, you will return to the land of the living. Till then, catch your zzzz’s whenever possible and be the best damn Zombie dad you can be.