10 birth tips for first time dads

Becoming a first time dad happens in one unreal instant – the moment of birth. Like a space monkey ready to be rocketed into the unknown, there are naturally nerves and concerns. Check out our top 10 first time dads birth tips and get educated. Knowledge is king new daddy.

1. Don’t crack jokes

It’s natural for many dudes to want to lighten the mood. But remember when you ate $5 hot chips on a dare and had to pass the toughest turd of your life. Multiply that by 100 and ask yourself if you’d be in a laughing mood? Make your woman smile, don’t try to make her laugh.

2. Your woman may become the devil

The Exorcist - spider walk
Worst case scenario

We’re not saying it will definitely happen, but we can’t say it won’t. Forget birthing videos, watch The Exorcist or Paranormal Activity. The transition to a complete demon state could be sudden and will only be temporary, but prepare accordingly. Not with holy water, just patience and love.

3. Cry

This is a huge event man, the tip of the arrow from the past nine months. Don’t spend all your energy fighting back the tears. You don’t need to be a tough guy right now. If you feeling it and you want to wail like an old Italian woman then go hard.

4. Antenatal classes have not prepared you

Expecting that you’re prepared for the birth after your antenatal class is like discussing the All Blacks tactics, passing around a football boot, watching highlights from their last game and then thinking you’re ready to line up against them on the field.

5. Stay well fed and hydrated

The fainting expectant dad is funny in the movies, missing the birth of your child isn’t exactly a crack up. But your head might be. You gonna see some serious shit, if you’re feeling feint make sure a chair is positioned behind you or even better – sit in it

6. Be ready to play multiple roles

You’re going to be the roadie, the bouncer, the manager, the publicist and the fan club. But you aren’t the star of the show. Get used to that.

7. Don’t say “shit… that’s gross.”

Just think it.

8. Use the proper words for lady parts

Dads birth tips anatomy
Know your vage

You’re about to be a father, you’re a big boy now. Don’t revert to slang names for your lady’s bits. If you’re talking about the vage call it the vage and for extra points throw in the ‘ina. You’re in a hospital after all.

9. Don’t get caught sucking the gas

You need a clear head right now but if you must be the funny guy and have a go on the gas, be quick and discreet. Ideally you’d have a lookout at the door, but don’t ask your woman to be lookout. She’s busy and you should know better anyway.

10. Cut the umbilical cord

The rough work’s been done, don’t pussy out now. This is a symbolic first act of dadding. If you let someone else do it just because you’re a little squeamish, you’ll regret it.

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About Instant Dad

About Instant Dad

Instant Dad is every Kiwi dad – except better looking and more bloggy. He’s a faceless representation of all fresh dads in Aotearoa out there having a crack at parenting. Instant Dad likes to clown around, but the intent of this site is genuine - to help dads navigate the pitfalls of early-stage parenting.