Like a menacing iceberg waiting for the Titanic, potty training is bobbing up and down on the horizon and we’re heading straight for it. Easter is when the ship is going down at my place, and in a house that’s almost entirely carpeted it’s already requiring serious thought and planning.
If everything goes to plan, by the time Jesus busted out of that cave, we’ll have a 2-year old lad that is keeping us updated on every upcoming movement in his cartoon-themed undies.
Now, before having kids I didn’t really talk about poos much, I mean I knew the basics and was aware of systems in place in the Western World, but poo just rarely came up in conversation. Then I had kids, and the topic of poo didn’t just enter my daily discourse, it’s totally trending. At my place we call poos ‘poo poo’ in the optimistic hope that a cuter name will make it smell less and be easier to negotiate – it doesn’t. But still, after much monitoring and debate, we’ve become poo poo experts with code names for the different types and stages. For instance my two-month old daughter is still in the ‘chicken korma’ stage, and turns in the occasional ‘whole-grain mustard’ nappy. So I thought I was pretty clued up on poo poo. That was until the captivating ViPoo advert came on TV and I realised – I know nothing.
So how can I teach my son how to “punish the porcelain” when I still have so much to learn myself? Here are some key learnings from the ViPoo advert so all potentially poo-preaching dads can get up to speed.
Pretty girls do actually poo
Whaaaaaattt? Mind = Blown. That’s right hombres, pretty girls do poo. All this time we’ve been successfully tricked by running bathroom taps and Impulse spray. Hot girls do actually poo and due to their pretty girl, low-carb diet of 90% chicken salad and 10% Russian fudge, it’s mad stinky.
Hollywood toilets are solid gold
If you find yourself in Tinseltown your bottom end better be bring its A-game cause they’ve got solid gold toilets over there. Never mind the obvious coldness and tarnishing, solid gold is where it’s at for the ‘in crowd’. Perfect for racking up fat lines as well… as they might do over there.
There are no limits to the depths of a woman’s hand bag
I’m no expert but in the ad our starlet is carrying a clutch, not even her regular full-size bag. Major sacrifices have been made in the move to a smaller vessel. Yet there is still ample room for a chunky bottle of ViPoo. What else is in there, a deflated air bed to crash on later, or maybe a push bike to ride home. Who knows.
Movie Directors are full deviant
Who the hell walks into a toilet and waves their hand up towards their face trying to catch the sleazy scent of the pervious occupier. You’d have to be some kind of deviant alright, or maybe just some Kevin Smith-looking director. However, poo sniffing might be a legit fetish now, like feet or obese chicks. I don’t know, but if any girls are unfortunately reading this, understand that most men do not enter a unisex toilet deliberately after you to catch a whiff. We find stinky toilets just as nasty as you do.
The devil has donuts made of poo
We all know that hell isn’t exactly a tropical holiday but mixing one of the tastiest sweet treats known to man with poo, that’s straight-up devil’s work. In the ad, once you see the ‘Devil’s Donuts’ bounce off the bottom of the bowl, it’s hard to look at donuts the same again.
But seriously, it’s challenging enough for a young human to toilet train and learn what is expected of them in civilized society. Then, new products and delightful advertising are waiting to confuse them further. Since when did we have to vilify poo like this, associating it with the devil and portraying it as a disgusting menace. Once you’ve changed ten million nappies you realise poo isn’t satan, it ain’t great, but it’s just poo. Maybe if you’re a hot young chick, out to impress, you don’t want anyone knowing you drop serious stink bombs, but when my little man clips off his first bog nugget it’s going to be cause for major celebration.
Poo – it’s all about perception.